Just saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Somebody needs to hide George Lucas’ crack pipe. At this point in his career, I guess George Lucas has carte blance when it comes to making the movies he wants, but honestly, how many people along the way could have said, “Hey George, do you really think weaving aliens into the Indian Jones mythos is such a great idea?” Did he think, “Well shit, Star Wars was awesome, and Indiana Jones was awesome, why not double the aweomse?” Anyway, the two hours of my life lost notwithstanding, the movie has inspired a theory of mine.
I haven’t really thought this through completely, but I’m inclined to believe that a story can’t possibly survive straining credulity in two directions at the same time. For example, it required one layer of suspension of belief to allow the Ark of the Covenant to plausibly melt faces; therefore I understand that in the Indiana Jones universe, arcane biblical artifacts are real and supernatural. Fair enough. But now I’ve been asked to believe that in the same universe, psychic aliens whose skeletal systems retain telekenetic powers after death have bestowed the gift of knowledge upon Amazonian cultures. Now we’re at two layers, and unlike nachos, more layers in this instance do not make a story more zesty, they make it more zany. Once you’ve added that irrevocable second layer, anything is now possible, and the whole story is transmogrified from fantasy to farce. How can I now trust that Indiana Jones won’t spontaneously gain powers of flight or imbue David Cook with artistic ability? Will the next installment be Indy vs. Predator? Ist Jack Bauer a robot? How do I know John Connor will not be revealed as the Second Coming, the divine progeny of Sarah Connor and Skynet? Does Chewbacca have a penis? Does it look like a giant caterpillar that joined the hair club for men? Wait, that has nothing to do with his…but you get the point.