So I was over at Esquire checking to see if there was anything new by Chuck Klosterman and (in addition to growing frustrated with how the site fools you into thinking its features are actually online), happened across one of those “pithy” articles aimed at edifying the brutish male population. It was really great to learn 10 things I apparently don’t know about women, courtesy of Andrea Savage’s publicist Andrea Savage.
1. Wedding rings need to be sparkly to remind us not to have sex with other people.
Wow, good point. If there’s one thing men don’t know, it’s that women like jewelry.
2. Completely shaving your genitals does not make them look bigger. It just makes you look gayer.
3. And if you do shave it all off, fair warning is essential. Otherwise, it’s as startling as a hairless cat jumping out of your pants. And no one looks sexy being startled in the nude.
Great advice. Plus it speaks to the concerns of countless men who worry endlessly about how they’ll “stay in the mood” with a naked girl holding their penis.
4. Murdering someone because he snores should be admissible in a court of law.
I’m with you here. Snoring in court is enormously disrespectful.
5. We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would.
Maybe it’s because I’m not in the “all my friends are getting married” demographic, but I think this is one of those things that women think all men loathe in the specific. In fact, men are just generally loathe to spending time with a bunch of jealous women.
6. After being married, hearing “You’re hot!” from a total stranger means a hundred times more than hearing it from your husband.
Can you imagine living in a world where every single guy was the kind of guy who tells married women they are hot all the time? I think both sexes can agree we don’t want that.
7. If teenage boys knew that no matter what they look like, knowing how to dance will get them laid at every wedding they attend in their twenties, cotillions would be wait-list only.
And if teenage boys knew that, it would be because someone lied to them.
8. We don’t understand your fascination with boobs, but we’re happy you have it.
9. A rebound relationship has only one true purpose: Just be interesting enough to keep me from having sex with my ex.
I can’t figure out whether this is a tip or a criticism, but if it’s a tip, then it’s pretty sad Andrea Savage’s insecure publicist Andrea Savage feels that way. If it’s a criticism, I suggest reading this.
10. We love that you are reading this to learn more about us. You’re adorable.
Hey, and thanks for imparting your limitless wisdom like cautioning against shaving my genitals or warning against snoring during a trial. But then, this wasn’t about education anyway.
Andrea Savage can be seen opposite Will Ferrell in Step Brothers, in theaters July 25.
Look, Esquire, it’s annoying enough that you hint coyly about having your features online, but if you’re just going to hock PR fluff, can we just drop the pretense and at least give me a nude photo or something?