People You Don’t Want to Meet

The craigslist “Missed Connections” page is the last place you’d want to meet someone. Taken literally, that statement is quite obvious: I can’t think of too many instances in which the missed connection page would be your first choice for meeting someone. Sure, I suppose in some instances it might mitigate future awkwardness between coworkers, roommates, or relatives. But what I really mean is that it’s a safe assumption that most anyone who truly thinks someone wrote a missed connection about them is a complete solipsist and probably a terrible human being. This connection should remain missed. I submit a proof.

Situation #1: “There’s a good reason for this”

Reply to:
Date: 2008-07-16, 9:28PM EDT

I’m not single and I get the feeling you’re probably not single, either. But I can’t help it, I want you anyway. I don’t know what it is about you, but you’re killing me. No one else has ever done this to me before. I’m not the type of girl to cheat on someone, I’m a good person. I feel guilty even thinking about this. But I can’t help but wonder if just once… maybe you and I could keep a secret? No one would ever have to know. It would be totally amazing.
Sometimes I get the feeling you want me, too. If I’m right, just make your move. I’m too shy to make the first move, but I promise that if you just take the initiative, I’ll take it from there.

  1. Someone you know is profoundly drawn to your awesomeness.
  2. You are so shit-your-pants-awesome that the poster trembles in your divine presence and can’t bring themselves to approach you like a normal person.
  3. This poster manages to hide their worship so incredibly well that the only way you’d discover their passion is through a personal ad on craigslist.

In order for this situation to work, either: a) one person is oblivious to the other’s feelings because they are a fucking dunce; b) one person is oblivious to other’s feelings because they are gay (or straight, or whatever the other isn’t); or c) the poster has some serious “opening up” issues; or d) that this is the only way to make the connection without risking too much.

So unless you want to date a dunce, someone who is undatable, or there is so much risk involved that the only way to avoid it is posting on the interwebs, it’s probably a terrible fucking idea.

Situation #2: “You: Shirt and four limbs, Me: breathing”

Reply to:
Date: 2008-07-17, 9:44AM EDT

Saw you on the blue line around 9ish this morning traveling towards Largo Town Center. You were wearing a blue long sleeved shirt and darker tan khakis. We both noticed each other and then the train got too crowded. Remember me? Purple shirt and dark hair.

  1. Someone is conceited enough to click on things like “Man on metro” thinking it might be them.
  2. Someone is self centered enough to think they made such an indelible impression on someone else that the other person might take to craigslist in the hopes “they felt it too”.

In order for this situation to work, either: a) someone is self-centered enough to check missed connections in the hope a passerby saw them and found them so remarkably better than everyone else that they took it to the webs; or b) someone is self-centered enough to think that someone else would look for their post and also be crazy or desperate enough to make the post in the first place.

So here your choice is an egomaniac or an egomaniacal and/or desperate lunatic. Awesome.

Situation #3: “I got your number in the morning as a courtesy”

Reply to:
Date: 2008-07-12, 10:48PM EDT

I miss you.
I think about you way more that [sic] I should.
Wish I could forget.
But I can’t.
You fuck like a super porno star.
You know exactly how I like it.
Damn you.

  1. Someone has stopped fucking you.
  2. You’ve stopped fucking someone.

Try this.

Situation #4: “I’m really sorry, but not sorry enough to call you”

Reply to:
Date: 2008-07-10, 9:58PM EDT

If there is a God in heaven…I pray he/she brings you back to me…
Its amazing what you can post in a “www” cyberspace of a million eyes, but you cant call and just say…

I love you so…

  1. You broke up with someone already.
  2. This person feels bad about things, but can’t bring themselves to contact someone they already know.

Sounds like it was a really good relationship. Good luck with that.


2 Responses to “People You Don’t Want to Meet”

  1. People You Don’t Want to Meet « Yes, Let’s Talk About This Says:

    […] — Tags: craigslist, masturbation, missed connections — keurig @ 3:26 pm So, my prior invective against craigslist missed connections was actually supposed to be a brief introduction to a new […]

  2. Um, can we talk about this? » Told You So Says:

    […] you don’t you should start when Amy comes back from vacation), you may have read my theory on why you wouldn’t want to make any craig’s list missed connections. Anyway, apparently on the New York subway, a “love at first sight/missed connection” […]

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